One day I’ll be able to thank them…

… for abandoning me. But today, today ain’t the day.

Dealing with heartbreak is hard. It never gets light on the heart. It never gets easier. It never becomes more familiar as we age and continue to go through experiences. In fact, it starts to sting a little more each time — because each time you think it’ll be different, you think this person won’t be the same. But then, you’re met with the harsh reality that you’re hurt. There’s pain. In my case, there’s the feeling of abandonment.

Abandonment. What does that even mean? Abandonment means (1) to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert & (2) to give up; discontinue; withdraw from.

Abandonment sucks… but in a way, you aren’t alone. You’re left with nothing but what was… the memories, the videos, the pictures, the scent. Sadly, coming across those things reminds you that you were – left.

Not once, but twice… twice in one day I was abandoned – by two of the most important people to me, two people I loved the most. I had to stop myself from become the third time’s charm.

I never thought a day would come where I’d know a life without them. I never thought I would have to. That was my mistake. But I’ll have to thank them, just not quite yet.

One day I’ll be able to thank them. I’ll have to thank them for making me realize that I had myself this entire time… that the only love I needed was my own… that the only person I needed was myself. One day I’ll be able to thank them for showing me that self-love was the center of everything – the route to my happiness. One day I’ll be able to thank them for seeing the me I always was, but too afraid to be. I want to believe I was too much for them. I know the truth is that I was too much for myself. I was excessive but still coming up short on all expectations – I was overcompensating. While trying to hold y’all up, I was breaking myself down. I hate that y’all had to leave me for me to realize this. One day I’ll be able to thank y’all for leaving because you took away the fear – there was nothing left to fear after being faced with abandonment.

It’s still a harsh reality that people who don’t comeback never return – that people who leave never wanted to stay. It’s a harsh reality when you only wish they’d be here to see me through. I only wish they hadn’t said, I’m through.

One day I’ll be able to thank them.

But today, today ain’t the day. Today I’m filled with sadness, but empty at heart – I’m heartbroken.

But one day I’ll be able to thank them.

It’s 1:27 AM, and these are my thoughts…


Q17: What do I believe about God?

1 John 4:16

God is love.
Love is everything.

It really is that simple to me. I believe God to true. There isn’t a way where I could easily sum everything about God into one sentence, but to say that He is love, and love is everything – in everything we say, we do, we think. Love is everywhere. Love is the root of it all. Love is the beginning. God is where it all began.

Take this. God displayed His unconditional love for us. Despite our sins and rebellious ways, He sent His only son, Jesus Christ, into this world, so that we could be a part of His family forever. As the Bible says,

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16 KJV

In my eyes, there’s no other way to view that but love. God’s love is infinite. God is infinite. His greatness extends to more than we can fully grasp as long as we are on this side – His greatness manifests once we reach the other side of eternity. And that’s something to be excited about.

For me to be where I am today, I believe that God got me. There’s no other explanation.

I have faith in Him. I trust in Him. I love Him.


Share your thoughts with me, and feel free to answer the question for yourself in the comments.

Becoming Powerful Beyond Measure Challenge

Q11: What do I really want to do? Am I doing that?

Before I answer that, I think it’s only right that you know what I am doing now. I am a Resident Assistant on campus, and I’m settling with this position – a job that I no longer enjoy – a job that brings stress home – a job I didn’t sign up for – a job I’ve come to hate. Why am I staying? I’m staying because the job is secure, and my housing is paid. That’s it. No more. No less.

What do I really want to do?

  • I want to quit my RA job.
  • I want to work in my field.
  • I want to help people.
  • I want to be happy at work.
  • I want to feel as if I am fulfilling my purpose.
  • I want more for myself by doing more for myself.

Am I doing that? 

No, I’m not… because right now, I need stability.

Updated 7/27/17 

So, I decided after writing this post that needing stability was not an acceptable excuse for me. I decided that I was going to do more for myself. I started putting in applications for part-time and full-time work within my field at various psychiatric hospitals, offices, and residential facilities. This process sucked. I got call-backs, but things never went to the next level. Eventually, I started giving up with the applications because I realized that I was applying to half-ass jobs and that’s what I already had.

Eventually, I ended up getting an interview for a part-time receptionist position at a psychiatric residential facility. I was excited. I thought the interview went well. I bonded so well with the interviewer. Plot twist: I was wrong. The next day I got a call that I didn’t get the job. I was really sad about it because I wanted that job. I wanted to work with that population. I wanted to have my hands in my field. But y’all… My God had something greater in store for me. The hiring manager ended up calling me the next day offering me a part-time position as a mental health technician. The only thing standing in my way was an interview. YIKES! So this go around, I was nervous. I wanted to change everything about myself for that second interview. I didn’t think I would win her over a second time. Well, interestingly enough, I interviewed with someone new, someone who fell in love with – she fell so much in love that she offered me a full-time position with a raise. BLESSINGS ON BLESSINGS. Of course I accepted the job. I started orientation the day after. My orientation and training were dragged out due to a “vacation,” but today, I started my first real shift. I honestly couldn’t be happier that I’m working directly in my field with my desired population.

I just had to thank God today on my break. I was willing to settle for part-time work, doing something I had no interest in. Yet, God knew my worth and provided me with an opportunity to not only pursue my career but also to purpose different avenues and develop into the powerful woman I am becoming.

So, I’m happy to be updating you all that now I am doing what I really want to do. 🙂


Share your thoughts with me, and feel free to answer the question for yourself in the comments.

Becoming Powerful Beyond Measure Challenge 


Q10: Name some of the closest people to you. How do they affect you?

Name some of the closest people to me?

I hate questions like these because it’s almost like I’m picking the best of the best. I have a lot of friends who I’m close with because of different reasons, but the closest people to me… that would have to be my bestfriend and my mom. Between my bestfriend and my mom, these two know everything there is to know about me.

How do they affect me?

  • They affect my outlook on different things and situations in my life.
  • They affect my attitude on different things and situations in my life.
  • They affect how I view myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Honestly, my bestfriend and my mom have had a big impact on me. It’s hard to sum up how they have affected me, but I know they had a lot of influence. They have affected me both positively and negatively. But sometimes you need those negative situations to help you grow as an individual.

Nonetheless, I’m thankful to have these two in my life –
helping me become the woman I aspire to be.


Share your thoughts with me, and feel free to answer the question for yourself in the comments.

Becoming Powerful Beyond Measure Challenge 



Q9: What do I fear? How can I overcome my fears?

Okay, so when I initially began writing, I didn’t think I had big fears.

I had the typical fears of the dark, spiders, and bugs. Then I got a phone call from my papa about how some of my family members were doing. It was something I couldn’t handle in that moment. I broke down…

That’s when it hit me – I fear losing someone I love.

I fear the day when it hits me that they are no longer here, the day I can no longer pick up the phone and call, the day where their seat at the table is empty… those days I fear.

I have this fear because I don’t know what comes next. I don’t know what is supposed to happen afterwards. I don’t know what I will feel. I don’t know what I will do.

The unknown aspect of losing someone I love is what I fear. 

How do I overcome these fears?

Well, I have been afraid of the dark since I can remember. I think that’s because I can’t see… I don’t know what is there. That’ll always be the case with me because I like knowing what my surroundings are at all times. I think this will go away as I get older and more secure in my surroundings.

As far as spiders and bugs go, I still feel my skin crawl when I see them, and I still freak out when they disappear in the blink of an eye, but I just need to remember that I’m bigger and to kill them + spray.

Those are simple.

For my fear of the unknown aspect of losing someone I love, I don’t know how to overcome this fear. I don’t think it is something that I can overcome. I had a talk with a good friend of mine who told me that I will have to deal with in when it comes and experience/ feel those emotions – that I cannot just deny or pretend that it didn’t happen. I know she’s right, but I just don’t know if I have the strength to do that.

I’ll just have to cross that bridge when it comes… 


Share your thoughts with me, and feel free to answer the question for yourself in the comments.

Becoming Powerful Beyond Measure Challenge 


Q8: Am I open-minded? Judgmental?

Without a doubt in my mind, I am open-minded – it’s in my nature, and it’s come into fruition because of my career. In case you didn’t know, I am studying psychology and human services. I want to work with adolescents who have chronic mental illnesses. My ideal job will have me encountering all sorts of things – disorders, illnesses, past stories. (I low-key just got this dream job, but we don’t have to get into it just yet. There’s a post coming about it.) So anyway, in theory, I have to be nonjudgmental, but I’m just glad it comes naturally.


You know… I just thought about this in a different way. When it comes to people expressing themselves to me about what they have been through or how they felt or feel, I am extremely open-minded. Things may surprise me, but I would not pass judgment. Who am I to judge? I don’t have a perfect past. My present isn’t always pretty, and I’m sure my future won’t be flawless.

Now, when it comes to me trying new things, I am not so open-minded; I am much more apprehensive. I have slowly, but surely started to slip out of that though. I am trying new things and doing some old things differently. My bestfriend actually gave me some advice a while back that recently came back into use – you are going to end up missing out. There is more to that advice, but what she said really hit me.

I don’t want to miss out on my blessings. I don’t want to miss out on what God has planned for me because of my own fears or uneasiness. I realized this, and surprisingly, going with the flow is going well. 🙂

You only have one life to live. Live it. Be open-minded, not only to people, but new experiences and things.

I am, and I love it. ❤


Share your thoughts with me, and feel free to answer the question for yourself in the comments.

Becoming Powerful Beyond Measure Challenge 


Q7: Do I see my relationships as successful? Why or why not?

L O L 

I really laughed at this question because I immediately thought about my last relationship, and it wasn’t successful because we obviously aren’t together. Then I thought on it… what kind of relationships are we talking about? Friendships? Relationships? Those dreaded situationships? Well, I’ve had failed friendships and relationships. I have had rough patches with my parents even, but who hasn’t? I think unsuccessful friendships and relationships are a part of life to help you grow and learn about yourself as well as what you expect from others. I’m sad some of my friendships and relationships didn’t work out, but I truly believe that it was all for a better purpose, a greater purpose that is in His hands. I’m honestly just grateful that my relationships now are more “successful” than ever.

I’ll start with my friendships. I haven’t had my share of failed friendships, but I have grown apart from people. I grew apart from my childhood bestfriend when she moved to Florida in the 8th grade. There wasn’t any bad blood – we just grew distant with the distance. In high school, I had a couple close friends. Today, we talk every so often, but I honestly have nothing but love for them. And when we do talk, it’s like we never stopped talking. ❤ Those are my girls, I love them forever. Now, in high school, I think I only had one failed relationship… that was my bestfriend junior and senior year. During the last semester of our senior year, we fought. I don’t mean verbally either. We had a physical fight. I was shook because wtf, but there was no friendship afterwards – at all. We recently reconnected a few weeks ago, so I don’t know how I see that. When I first came to college, I was close with a few girls who I still associate myself with, but they weren’t my bestfriends, but I still value those relationships. The most successful friendship I have is with my current bestfriend. She my friend forever. We didn’t start as friends, but I’m glad we are here. Not only does she help me grow, but she offers guidance and advice that I need. She gives me tough love. She doesn’t baby me. We rarely fight, but when we do, it only offers deeper meaning to our friendship. She prays with me. Lord knows I love her for that. She makes me happy. I’m just blessed to have someone like her as my bestfriend. So you see, it’s not that my friendships haven’t been successful… they just weren’t meant for me.

Now my relationships? L O L. All my past relationships were unsuccessful, and I am okay with that. Why? Because I had to go through those to grow, get hurt, learn, and find the meaning of love in order to be the best version of myself for the person God created for me. (We gonna bypass infidelity, lack of trust, lack of communication, lack of vulnerability, lack of love, too much pride…) Honestly, it’s okay. What’s meant for me will always be for me. 

God, please forgive me for my relationship with my parents. I was so mean to my stepfather growing up. I just didn’t want to hear anything. I mean, what child did? I went from wanting to be just like them – to hating their every decision – to admiring and valuing them in every way. I’ve been through it all. Now, my relationship with my parents is better than ever, constantly growing in depth as I learn to trust them more. This sounds pretty successful to me.

When I look at my relationships, I notice that when I listen, observe, become vulnerable to people, and put trust in people, my relationships do well. I’m struggling still with some of  these aspects, but I am improving.

Right now, I am happy with all the relationships in my life – family relationships, friendships, and my romantic relations. ❤


Share your thoughts with me, and feel free to answer the question for yourself in the comments.

Becoming Powerful Beyond Measure Challenge 


Q6: Who inspires me? What qualities do these people have?

I really had to think about this for a moment. After some though, I came to realize that there are a number of people who inspire me from my mom, my grandma, my dad, my papa to my best friend. It’s clearly a reoccurring thing that my family has a great influence on my life. 

The qualities and traits that my family posses that inspire me are determined, passionate, focused, driven, loving, caring, nurturing… the list could honestly go on for ever and ever. The traits change day to day because my family and friends are constantly inspiring me.

My mom is constantly inspiring me to be better. She is my biggest inspiration in my life. When I was younger, I idolized her. I wanted to be just like her. Growing up, people told me I was just like her. I tried to be just like her. She has so many qualities that I love and admire. My mom is driven. She has always been determined, passionate, and focused. I can remember watching her to hair at Smart Style – then she opened her own salon, Indulgence – then she went to school to become a cosmetology instructor – then she went on to teach at a beauty school – and now she is pursuing her second degree towards Behavioral Analysis. She continues to push through even when I know she is ready to stop. We constantly text back and forth to encourage one another. I don’t think she truly understands me when I say that I am proud of her and that I believe in her.

Another person who inspires me is my Papa. Papa is my mommy’s husband – my stepfather, but I prefer to call him Papa. Papa has less of a negative connotation than stepfather. He has inspired me in a different way though. I have watched him do nothing short of providing for both my mom and I, as well as his other children. He has made sure that I was secure and well-taken care of. I never had a need that wasn’t met, and I usually got most of what I wanted. He was great at being a father. He was amazing. He offered knowledge too. If I had a question, he had an answer, or he would get one for me. It was great. He was truly great. He has given me the inspiration for the type of parent I want to be for sure.

My bestfriend probably doesn’t know how much she inspires me too. She honestly is so selfless. She does so much for her little brothers. She does so much for he grandmother. Sometimes, I have to remind her to treat herself. She truly deserves it. On top of her selflessness, which is my favorite trait of hers, she is hardworking. That girl defies the odds placed against her each and every time, and she gets things done. I love it about her honestly. I know she is going to accomplish all her goals, which I find inspiring. She inspires me to push through and never give up on my goals and dreams.

I am just so thankful and blessed to have great people in my life inspiring me.


Share your thoughts with me, and feel free to answer the question for yourself in the comments.

Becoming Powerful Beyond Measure Challenge 


Q5: What are qualities of a good listener? Do I have these qualities?

Qualities of a good listener… to me it all depends on what someone needs from a listener in that particular moment. However, I do think there are some general qualities that all good listeners have.

A good listener pays attention to the person who is speaking,  maintains eye contact, shows interest by adding in gestures such as a head nod at appropriate time, makes sure that he/she understands what has been said, allows the other person to finish without interruption, and will then ask questions for clarification before responding.

Do I have these qualities? Am I a good listener? 

In my opinion, I am a great listener – as long as it is not an argument. I say this because if it is an argument, then everything goes out the window. I no longer want to be the listener; I have to be heard at that point. I’m working on this though because it isn’t fair to the person I’m arguing with because I will tune them all the way out. Luckily, I haven’t been getting into arguments lately because my energy has been nothing but positive, and the company I keep also has those positive vibes.

Now aside from that, I think my coworkers, my friends, my classmates, or anybody who has come to me with something can tell you that I am a good listener. I will listen to someone for hours if that’s what they need it. If they need advice, I will give it to them. But I also know how to just make someone feel heard and validate their emotions or opinions. It is in my nature and always has been. I pride myself on being a good listener. This is also good for me because being a good listener is vital to my career as an adolescent psychologist or psychiatrist.

Listening is a fundamental part of life, and I’m glad I’ve mastered being a good listener.

Someone smart once said,
“God gave you two ears and one mouth,
so that you could listen twice as much as you speak.”


Share your thoughts with me, and feel free to answer the question for yourself in the comments.

Becoming Powerful Beyond Measure Challenge 


Q4: What am I grateful for? Do I express my thankfulness?

I am grateful for my life, my friends, and for my relationship with God.

I honestly don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have God, my family (especially my parents), and my friends (especially my bestfriend) in my life. And after the year I have had, I try to express my thankfulness more often. I never want a day to go by where they don’t know how  grateful I am to have them, so I try to express it to them in ways they would best receive.

  • For my bestfriend, I like to verbally tell her how thankful I am. I think everyone needs to hear it sometimes – I know I do. Honestly, I love my bestfriend so much, and I am so grateful for everything she’s done. She has been my everything when I had nothing, listened to every story, complaint, gossip, thought I ever had, supports me in all my endeavors, flies to my rescue, and deals with my attitude. (Lord knows I’m extremely thankful for that because my attitude can be quite ugly sometimes.) My bestfriend does it all, and she loves me through everything. ❤ But the best part is that she prays for me. Get you a bestfriend that will pray for you and with you. Get you a bestfriend who will help you in your walk of faith. Get you a Amani… well not my bestfriend, but you get the point. I just can’t express it enough how thankful I am to have a true bestfriend in my life.
  • For my parents, my mommy and papa, verbal/ written affirmation goes a long way with them. Every holiday, every birthday, and every occasion, I write them letters to let them know how much they mean to me because man oh man… I would be somewhere on my a** if it wasn’t for them. When I say that my parents do it all and then some, I literally mean EVERYTHING. They extend their love to me. They extend their time to me. They are patient with me. They are supportive of me (even when my mommy knows I’m making dumb choices.) They help me financially. They give me the best advice. I think what is so great is that they do these things for people who are closest to me, for example… they would treat my girlfriend the same way they treat me. I’m so grateful for that. I’m really grateful for it because my parents accept me for who I am even though they may not agree with my lifestyle choices. It wasn’t always easy, but my parents try, and I am thankful for their effort. Most of all, I am thankful and blessed for their unconditional love for me. I can only pray that they know and feel my gratitude towards them.
  • Now for my relationship with God… I am so thankful. I am so grateful. I am so undeserving of everything He has done for me, yet He continues to have my back. When I felt that I had no one, I had Him. When I thought no one cared, He did. When I thought no one was listening, He heard my cry. When I felt lost, He extended His hands to me. Honestly, I owe Him my life. I try to show him my gratitude by spending time in his presence and through my actions. I am still working on this relationship with God, but I just pray that He knows my heart.

Honestly, I never knew how good it can feel to express gratitude for someone. I learned this through an exercise we did during a staff meeting this past year. It was modeled after this YouTube video, in which an experiment in gratitude was conducted on its effect on happiness. Now, I am a firm believer that not only does expressing gratitude and thankfulness make the person on the receiving end happy, but it also makes the person expressing their gratitude happy as well. 🙂

Remember this
Tomorrow is not promised to us.
Express your gratitude and thankfulness.


Share your thoughts with me, and feel free to answer the question for yourself in the comments.

Becoming Powerful Beyond Measure Challenge