… for abandoning me. But today, today ain’t the day.
Dealing with heartbreak is hard. It never gets light on the heart. It never gets easier. It never becomes more familiar as we age and continue to go through experiences. In fact, it starts to sting a little more each time — because each time you think it’ll be different, you think this person won’t be the same. But then, you’re met with the harsh reality that you’re hurt. There’s pain. In my case, there’s the feeling of abandonment.
Abandonment. What does that even mean? Abandonment means (1) to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert & (2) to give up; discontinue; withdraw from.
Abandonment sucks… but in a way, you aren’t alone. You’re left with nothing but what was… the memories, the videos, the pictures, the scent. Sadly, coming across those things reminds you that you were – left.
Not once, but twice… twice in one day I was abandoned – by two of the most important people to me, two people I loved the most. I had to stop myself from become the third time’s charm.
I never thought a day would come where I’d know a life without them. I never thought I would have to. That was my mistake. But I’ll have to thank them, just not quite yet.
One day I’ll be able to thank them. I’ll have to thank them for making me realize that I had myself this entire time… that the only love I needed was my own… that the only person I needed was myself. One day I’ll be able to thank them for showing me that self-love was the center of everything – the route to my happiness. One day I’ll be able to thank them for seeing the me I always was, but too afraid to be. I want to believe I was too much for them. I know the truth is that I was too much for myself. I was excessive but still coming up short on all expectations – I was overcompensating. While trying to hold y’all up, I was breaking myself down. I hate that y’all had to leave me for me to realize this. One day I’ll be able to thank y’all for leaving because you took away the fear – there was nothing left to fear after being faced with abandonment.
It’s still a harsh reality that people who don’t comeback never return – that people who leave never wanted to stay. It’s a harsh reality when you only wish they’d be here to see me through. I only wish they hadn’t said, I’m through.
One day I’ll be able to thank them.
But today, today ain’t the day. Today I’m filled with sadness, but empty at heart – I’m heartbroken.
But one day I’ll be able to thank them.
It’s 1:27 AM, and these are my thoughts…